Comrades! Welcome to this latest update on the glorious German Green energy revolution. I know many of you have been assigned to work in the fields today, so I will keep this brief. I merely want to bring to your attention the latest triumphs over evil fossil fuels that our glorious leaders have wrought:
State police in North Rhine Westphalia have finally evicted treetop protesters who were polluting a proposed strip-mining site with their presence. “Special commando police officers” scaled trees and removed the protesters so that energy company RWE can play its part in our latest Five Year Plan for Green energy:
RWE are waiting to take control of the forest to excavate brown coal, or lignite, a controversial carbon-rich substance currently responsible for generating 24.6 percent of Germany’s energy supply in steam power plants.
In order to extract the brown coal from the ground this winter, RWE will cut down 3,900 hectares of the 12,000-year-old oak and hornbeam Hambach forest, leaving just 300 hectares in tact.
Our congratulations to the brave police commandos, clearing the way for the removal of this 12,000 year old forest that was obstructing our glorious nation’s triumphant march to renewable energy nirvana! Another victory. Forward, comrades!
Meanwhile, capitalist plots to siphon off money needed for coal mining subsidies at home into fanciful solar power projects in Northern Africa have been routed, I am pleased to inform you. The so-called DESERTEC plot is collapsing, comrades, with German companies fleeing this sinking ship. Do not be deceived into thinking this was ever a project supported by our glorious green leaders. This is merely propaganda. We never supported this foolish escapade.
A multi-billion-euro project to harness renewable energy in the Sahara Desert, known as Desertec, has lost another big partner: German tech giant Bosch says it is jumping ship by the year’s end
. . . progress on the project has been markedly slower than expected.
Bosch’s announcement came shortly after German engineering heavyweight Siemens, which is abandoning its solar power business altogether, said it would not stay on as a shareholder in the Desertec Industrial Initiative (DII).
We have no need of such wicked capitalist plots here in the green, renewable energy paradise of Germany, where cheap, sustainable green energy is always available. In fact, comrades, it gives me great pride to announce to you today that our Green energy revolution has achieved a new record in supporting the state’s income, proving that Green energy really does pay!
Consumer groups and social organisation have warned of growing numbers risking ‘electricity poverty’ due to mounting bills. Vulnerable groups could be left unable to keep the heating on, they claim. Tenants in particular could be excessively burdened by the changes.
The main reason given for price increases is the government’s guarantee of a rate for energy from sustainable sources that is well above market prices.
The biggest beneficiary of the environmental levy is the state, which is set to cash in €1.4 billion through the system in 2013.
Vattenfall manager Rainer Wittenberg told Die Welt newspaper that they were “collecting for the state”.
Comrades, I realise that those of you unable to afford your own homes and solar panels, and living in underheated rented accommodation may question this victory, but let me assure you, comrades, that your sacrifice is NOT in vain. Your hard earned money which the electricity companies are collecting for us via the glorious “environmental levy” is essential to providing funding for the key component of our green energy revolution: subsidising loss-making mining of brown coal –
Germany has won its battle to ensure that state subsidies to loss-making coal mines can continue until 2018, rather than a 2014 cut-off date proposed last summer.
Germany subsequently lobbied very hard – and at the highest level – to get the deadline pushed back to 2018, in line with its existing domestic plans. Last month, the European Parliament backed that suggestion.
So let us hear no more muttering about high cost and little sign of improvement, comrades! Such talk is unworthy of you. Think instead of the inspiring example of your revolutionary brothers and sisters in Munich who set a tremendous example for us all by voluntarily sitting through the biggest blackout in decades to demonstrate their solidarity and support for the green energy revolution:
Munich experienced its most extensive power blackout in two decades today when half a million people sat in darkness this morning at 7 am. U-Bahns, S-Bahns and trams ground to a standstill and non-functioning traffic lights caused chaos on the roads as well. The fire-brigade had their fair share to do when many people had to be rescued from lifts, and fire alarm systems went off for no apparent reason.